Be THAT Person: Stay Curious, Ask Questions, Advocate for Clarity

This is kind of a spur of the moment episode. I usually record on Wednesdays with a plan already in place, but I thought of this one yesterday, scripted out some quick notes this morning, and here we are recording it. Here is how it came to be. I posted an article on LinkedIn recently and noticed a comment that spurred the idea for this episode.

The comment said, "I ask way too many questions when on a team, and someone once called me disagreeable. I'm curious if that resonates with you, or if you've found yourself worried that asking the questions on your mind might make you come across as disagreeable, or maybe someone has actually commented on the questions you've asked."

I'm going to be honest with you. I tend to be a person who values efficiency so much that it's really important to me that things are efficient and people's time doesn't feel wasted. I do sometimes get irritated if questions are asked that I deem unnecessary. That's on me though. That's a me problem, not a them problem.

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The Caveat

As I encourage you to stay curious, ask questions, and advocate for clarity, this comes with a caveat. I'm encouraging you to think about the necessary, important questions. Not asking questions for the sake of asking questions. Not asking questions for the sake of taking the stage. Not asking questions because I didn't do my part to listen intently. That's the caveat.

Why We Hold Questions Back

I've heard the comment I shared with you, but I've also heard this kind of statement from people who don't want to ask questions in the first place. This might be you. I didn't ask the question because I didn't want to look stupid. I didn't want to come across as though I didn't understand, or as though I wasn't on board or disagreed. I didn't want to come across as disagreeable, so I didn't ask any questions at all.

This happens time and again, and there are a couple of reasons for it.

• You could be part of a psychologically unsafe team, where the leader feels threatened when people ask questions, as though they're being attacked or their status is being questioned. That is a real thing, and I want to recognize it.
• You could be trying to protect your own ego, some self-preservation, or living in people pleasing, saying yes or nodding along without asking the question because you're placing your value in other people instead of maintaining your own integrity and living up to your values.

It's not that we lack the intuition to ask the question. We feel it, we know it needs to be asked, we just don't ask it. Oftentimes it's because we haven't developed the skill set to ask it in a way that doesn't threaten others and doesn't threaten our own psychological safety.

Three Strategies for Asking Well

I want to give you three strategies for how you can stay curious and advocate for clarity in a way that doesn't present as aggressive or difficult, and that allows you to maintain your values and speak up confidently.

1. Clarify the Purpose Beforehand

Before you meet with any group of people, especially situations where you know there could be questions that need to be asked to clarify things, ask about the purpose. Determine, define, clarify the purpose of the upcoming meeting or project. You can simply say, I want to be sure I'm prepared for this meeting, can you remind me what the main purpose is? Or, can you tell us what you hope the outcome of this meeting will be?

Be the person who clarifies the purpose before you even get started. You will thank yourself later, and it does not come across as aggressive. You'll notice with each of these strategies that the onus is on you. You're taking ownership, not placing this on anyone else, and that lets you ask the questions without it coming across as threatening or difficult.

2. Ask in a Way That Doesn't Put People on the Defensive

Look at each of these through the lens of how you're asking without putting anyone on the defensive. Here's what it might sound like.

• I want to make sure I understand what we're doing and why. Is this what we mean, followed by paraphrasing what you think they've said.
• Before we start, can I clarify the purpose of this meeting so that I'm on track, or so I'm tracking, or so that I'm understanding.
• Can I check my perception? What I'm understanding is this. Is this accurate, or am I off base?
• I want to make sure I'm communicating this to my team really well. Could you clarify the three main things I should share with other people?

Those are just some examples of ways you can ask questions to clarify.

3. Protect Time for Clear Next Steps

Protect time at the end of any conversation to be sure you're walking away with clear next steps. This can be as simple as, I want to be sure I know what my next step is. So here's what I'm thinking, correct me if I'm wrong. Putting the onus on yourself gives autonomy to the leader or other people in the group to step up in that moment and be part of those next steps.

People want to feel as though they have control, whether that's control of a situation or control of their own experiences. So keep that in mind going into these meetings. When a supervisor or someone feels threatened, they're looking for protection, just like you are looking for protection and safety when you go into a conversation that feels a little uncomfortable.

I want to encourage you, be that person who asks questions and steps up as the clarity driven leader. The clearest person in the room will rise to the top as the leader, the person others want to follow.

I have a document called The Last Five Minutes that gives you ideas for how to close a meeting and protect that time so everyone walks away with clear next steps. It also includes a follow up email example you can use after the meeting. Be sure to check the show notes for the link.

What question have you been holding back, and what would it take for you to ask it?