Create Space for Confidence

I want to be really clear about something today, and that is the purpose of this podcast and the purpose of the book. In the beginning of this podcast I mentioned that we are making space for confidence, and that is the title of today's episode, create space for confidence. The premise is the same as the upcoming book, Clear is the New Confident. Stop Second Guessing. Say what needs to be said and stand firm in your integrity. It's written for high achieving, people pleasing women who are impact driven, at least a few years, if not several years, into their career.

This book and this podcast come from not only my own experiences, but from interviewing dozens of women who are sharing very similar stories. So I want to start by letting you know that no one ever warned me that being a high achiever and people pleaser would likely lead to my downfall. And there wasn't just one downfall across my career. There have been a few, depending on what you qualify as a downfall.

Let me paint a picture of one of those downfall moments, where my stomach was churning and my blood was boiling. I am sitting in my boss's office, on this small, uncomfortable bench directly across from her. She's on the other side of her desk. The door is closed. The offensive fluorescent lights are on, even though the norm is low lights with lamps. She has laid out my printed job description and duties before us, and she proceeds to take a red pen to it. She was changing my job description and my job duties mid year, and it had been a rough year. I was the academic coordinator. She was the principal.

This particular moment was like the last little block in a Jenga tower. You're pulling apart block by block, the tower still standing, still standing, and then all of a sudden there's that one block that gets plucked out that makes the entire tower tumble. This was the moment that made my pride completely fall. She went on in this monologue, because it wasn't at all a conversation, and I noticed my shoulders curving inward, my ears growing hot with embarrassment. There were so many things I wanted to say, that I could have said, that in hindsight I should have said, but instead I sat there and passively took each very calm, condescending word as though it was a slap to the face.

I did not cry in her office, but the moment I closed my car door after I left, the tears just fell in sheets. I drove the long way home, replaying the situation in my mind, thinking about what I wish I would have said or done. I was infuriated. And forgive my French, I was also mad as hell at myself. Mad that things had gotten to the point they'd gotten to, because I could have handled things a lot better leading up to that moment. Mad that I hadn't said some of the things I felt needed to be said, not only in that moment, but across the whole year. Why didn't I say them? Why did I hold them in? Why did I just take it? And I was mad that this moment laid before me all of these insecurities and shattered my confidence.

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Becoming a Victim of Others' Insecurities

I tell you this story because the thing about being a high achiever who is eager to make a significant impact is that you can sometimes become a victim, maybe a victim of others' insecurity or their insecure behaviors. Here are a few things that may showcase that.

• You notice that you are pulled into the inner circle quickly in an organization, but you're also thrown under the bus at the drop of a hat.
• You're built up with noncommittal attaboys, like good job, we're proud to have you as part of this company, but on the flip side you are beat down with backhanded remarks when things don't go their way.
• You exceed expectations, you are highly qualified, but you get passed up for opportunities because you don't fit the traditional preset mold.
• You share incredible ideas, but somebody else ends up taking credit for them.

Becoming a Victim of Your Own Limiting Beliefs

Sometimes, because of these prior experiences, you end up becoming a victim of your own limiting beliefs and burdensome narratives. Here's what that might look like.

• You say yes to almost everything when you really want to say no.
• You have questions to ask and things to say, but then you second guess whether you should say them because you fear you might be judged.
• You want to be this authentic, individualistic person who stands firm in her integrity, but you oddly, and this happens to so many of us, myself included, have this desire to be part of the inner circle.
• You want to go for that next position, in your organization or as a personal goal, but you doubt your credibility and you doubt your skills.

If you've noticed either becoming a victim of others' insecurities or a victim of your own limiting beliefs and negating narratives, you might be thinking, me too.

Three Things I Believe About This Victimhood

If that's the case, I want to mention three really important things I believe about this victimization. Bear with me, I'm going to push back on us.

1. Usually there is no one holding us back but ourselves, even when we are in the midst of a potentially hard situation.
2. We are often victims of second guessing and people pleasing because we fail to take action.
3. We almost always fail to take action because we haven't created space for confidence.

What Creating Space for Confidence Actually Means

So what do I mean by creating space for confidence? There are three areas we need to intentionally create space for if we want to avoid this victimization or victimhood for ourselves.

I believe, which is the reason for this podcast and the book, that if you can gain clarity in these three areas, you are absolutely certain to courageously stop second guessing, say what needs to be said, and stand firm in your integrity. After all, clear is the new confident.

I'd love to know what you've taken from this episode, what has been most useful or most valuable for you. I hope you're taking away that you are late in some way and can recognize that, that it's important to create space for confidence, and where it is that you need to create that space.

Is it clarity of your identity, clarity of presence, clarity of purpose, or could it potentially be all three?