Let Me Be Clear: 12 Women on Confidence, Boundaries, and Becoming

This is a special episode. You're going to hear let me be clear statements from lots of different women. I sometimes have the privilege of partnering with conferences and events to be the podcast host. When I do, I invite women who are attending the conference to be a micro guest on the show. They sit down with me at a table and we go into a three to five minute conversation around their let me be clear statement.

My hope is that as you read these statements, you find ways to apply them to both work and life. Carry them with you so that you can be more clear and more confident for yourself.

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You Don't Have to Explain Yourself

The first woman I talked with, who owns an Allstate insurance agency in Liberty, Texas, said the windshield is a lot larger than the rearview mirror for a reason. Your past does not define you, and the future ahead of you has opportunities that are unimagined. She wants everyone who works with her to thrive in spite of themselves, their past, or their surroundings.

Ila, who works in insurance at the same agency, wants women to know they don't have to explain their decisions or opinions. She shared a small example. She wanted some skin care, and she caught herself reasoning through why she wanted it and then running it by her fiance. Her point is that you don't need a reason. If you want it, do it. If you have an opinion, it doesn't have to be based on facts. It can be based on feelings.

Natalie, an ER nurse in Dayton, said her self worth is not defined by other people, and she shouldn't have to apologize for what she says or how it comes off. She described the second guessing that happens when you say something to someone and then wonder, did I make them mad? Her advice is to speak your mind. It doesn't have to be pushy. It can still be powerful.

See and Say the Value You Bring

Cassie is a marketing and growth strategist who helps experts turn what they're good at into messaging and systems. Her let me be clear is that it can be hard to see the value you bring to others, and it helps to have an outside point of view magnify it, whether that's people close to you or clients you've worked with.

She sees it repeatedly in the powerful women she works with. They're amazing at what they do, but they struggle to put into words what makes them great, while the people who've worked with them gush. She admitted she struggles too. She loves doing marketing for other people and can't do it for herself. She wonders if upbringing plays a part, since many of us were taught not to say things about ourselves.

Put Yourself First and Set Boundaries

Katie Green, who works at the same agency and serves as secretary for a high school parent group, said it is not selfish to put yourself first. As women, mothers, and wives, we so often put ourselves last. It can affect our mental and physical health, and she has put off doctor's appointments while taking care of everyone else. We've been conditioned to believe taking care of everyone is our duty, but we can't burn the candle at both ends and let it burn out.

Kimberly D. Stefano, who does leadership development for women new to leadership, put it this way: you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep anybody else warm. She put her own wants on the back burner for a really long time to prioritize other people's projects and feelings. Her takeaway is that the biggest role you can play is advocate for yourself, and one of the key ways to do that is to set boundaries.

When you don't set boundaries, or you set them and then breach them, you end up sacrificing things that are important to you to keep other people happy. She got to a place where she realized she could have worked for KFC. She was crispy. She was burnt.

Compete With Yourself, Not With Other Women

Several women landed on this theme, from a high school sophomore to a small business owner to a million dollar producer.

• Elizabeth, a sophomore at Liberty High School, said all women are equal. She sees toxic leadership where women treat each other horribly instead of bringing each other up. She thinks women get competitive because of how others see them, and because some feel they have to put another person down to be brought up. We're so focused on how others perceive us that we lose sight of who we are and what we represent to ourselves.
• Stacy, owner of Twisted Star Gift Studio, said we are not here to compete. We're here to bring other women and small businesses together, because there's enough room for everybody.
• JC, an ER nurse, said she doesn't have to apologize for having it together. She has noticed that women who feel insecure within themselves will try to dim your light. If she dresses nicely and someone asks where she's going, her answer is that she just wanted to look nice.
• Stephanie, a sales agent, mom, and wife, said she doesn't compete with other women. She competes with the woman she was yesterday. Last year she changed her whole mindset to grind and do what she does best, and this year she hit a million dollar producer in less than nine months.

What You Put Out Comes Back

Tammy Alexander is the HR director for the city of Dayton. She started as a part time 911 dispatcher 22 years ago and worked her way up. Her let me be clear is that what you put out into the world comes back to you tenfold. The more you build people up and encourage them, the more it all comes back to you. I watched her cheer on everybody from the back of the room while sponsors were being introduced, and she told me her nickname at the office is the cheerleader. She shared one of her favorite quotes, from Jane Goodall.

"What you do makes a difference and you have to decide what kind of difference that is."

Jane Goodall

Becoming Who You Need to Become

These last conversations were some of the most powerful.

• Dr. Rachel Alex, a three time CEO and breast cancer survivor, said she will not be defined by the worst thing that has ever happened to her. When bad things happen, we can stay there because it feels safe, but a comfort zone is not that comfortable, because there's a desire to do more and fear holds you back. Define me not by what happened to me but how I got through it. There's joy on the other side of the struggle, and endurance is a choice. Healing is what you do, and treatment is what doctors do.
• Wendy, who has owned a travel agency for 24 years, said she is not afraid of becoming the woman she doesn't have a choice to become. Her husband passed away a couple of years ago, and that changes you. It's leadership in business and leadership at home, and she has become another person, one she is not afraid to be.
• Katie Mark, a campus operations manager at Lee College Education Center, said confidence is strength, so be your authentic self and don't compromise it. With a pre-teen and a teenager at home, she said it's caught, not taught. Our kids are watching, and that makes you check yourself on whether you're reflecting confidence. Life happens and we go through the motions, but that fearless woman is still in there.
• Nicole, an ER nurse, went back to school for her RN at 35. She had told herself she was too old, and she was a single mother. Her daughter is now graduating nursing school. Outcomes are not known and it's hard to make yourself go for it, but forget what everybody else is saying and just go for it. It's hard, but you make it work.

A Call to Event Planners

I was so in awe of the women who sat down with me, and I left this event feeling energized and excited, not only about my work but about the work so many women are doing in their fields and at home. So here's your call to action. Share this episode with someone who is an event coordinator and wants to create a space in their event for women to shine, speak up, and have their voices heard.

We often go to conferences or summits and hear from speakers, and I'm one of those speakers. I love to speak as a keynote and in breakout sessions. But if you want to create an event where your participants feel they play a major role in making that event worthwhile, let's chat. Share this episode with someone who puts on those kinds of events and we can talk about what a partnership could look like.

If you finished the sentence "let me be clear," what would you say?