Too Damn Happy: How High-Achieving Women Can Flourish in a Tired World

I'm super pumped about today's episode because I have a repeat guest. Phil, I remember the first time I had you on the show, just like today, we had technical difficulties and it turned out to be one of my favorite shows I've ever had. Probably because the title of your new book perfectly describes you, and we're going to get into that.

Part of my mission for equipping fifty thousand women is specifically for high achievers and people pleasers to stop second guessing, say what needs to be said, and stand firm in their integrity while leading with influence. Part of that movement is highly focused on not only lifting women up, but lifting women up without putting men down. There are so many valuable men who have such a great message to share, and Phil is one of those men. So I'm super excited to have him here.

Meet Phil Januszewski

Phil taught high school chemistry and physics for 20 years before becoming a full-time speaker, and he's the author of the new book Too Damn Happy: Flourishing in a Tired and Uninspired World. His "let me be clear" statement sets the tone for the conversation: your happiness and ability to flourish is so much in your control, and you don't have to wait for someone else to fix it for you.

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Phil's Let Me Be Clear Statement

I asked Phil to finish the sentence, not to upset anyone, but let me be clear.

"Your happiness and ability to flourish is so much in your control. You don't have to wait for someone else to fix it for you."

Phil says being human means there are always challenges, things we don't enjoy, things that deplete us. That is just part of the human experience. In his book, he mentions that the absence of those things isn't happiness, it's just neutral. So if we want to thrive and flourish, it's up to us to actually do that. We have to take action and make choices that allow us to feel that way.

When we sit down and stop pointing the finger everywhere, because there is so much out of our control, it really comes down to us and how we choose to move forward to allow ourselves to flourish or not. Not because everything is perfect or happy, but we flourish while living in the imperfections of the human experience.

Happiness, Thriving, and Flourishing Are Not the Same Thing

Phil pointed out that we casually use the words happy, thrive, and flourish all together, but in the world of positive psychology, those are actually different things. Happiness is an emotion that comes and goes, we can't feel it always and forever, that's impossible. But a lot of times when we're thriving or flourishing, we often feel more of that emotion of happiness.

Flourishing is when we're living our life in a way that's in alignment with our character strengths. We're not only doing things that make us feel like we're contributing to something greater than ourselves, we're also enjoying it. And by enjoying it, Phil means there are challenges we're able to overcome, which creates a sense of pride in what we do. Flourishing is almost like a skill we can practice, and happiness is the outcome, that emotion we get to feel.

Know Your Er's

If we want to thrive or flourish, we have to make decisions that move us toward it. Phil talks about understanding your Er's, the things you love to do that light you up and energize you. For him, he's a baker and a cooker, but he's a lot of different Er's too. He's a father, a partner, a giver, a pay it forwarder. When he bakes a cake or sweets for someone, he's thinking about them, enjoying the challenge of baking, enjoying the skill of getting better at it. And when he gives it to them and watches them receive it, it makes them feel good, but it also makes him feel good. His answer to whether that's really selfless is that he doesn't care. He wants someone else to feel good, and if he feels good too, that's a win-win upward spiral.

You don't need to carve out three hours to bake a cake. Sometimes we can get these little three minute hits, maybe it's calling your mother for a few minutes just to say hi. When we start sneaking in the good stuff, and it's part of our routine and structure instead of accidentally happening, we start ending our days with so many little wins that we end on the positive. That's a life that's sustainable because we have more wins than depletions.

Happiness Is a Leaky Tire

Phil referenced psychologist Laurie Santos on this idea.

"Happiness is like a leaky tire."

Laurie Santos

When you're doing your Er's, you're adding air and it fills up. But if you stop adding, the tire will leak. We're hedonic machines, we get used to the status quo. Our survival instincts are just to survive. Mother nature doesn't care if we thrive, she just needs us to stay alive. We're the ones who have to choose that happiness, so we have to keep filling up that leaky tire, because eventually the new thing doesn't have the luster anymore. We have to keep doing different things and experiences to make us feel like we flourish and thrive.

Being passionate about our work, sadly, isn't enough on its own. Every job has parts that are depleting, that we don't enjoy, and that's when we have to build in those little wins. Our egos can get in the way of that. We think it has to be more than just baking a cake or listening to some good music, like we're important and big and hard to move, it must take more to make us thrive. It actually isn't. It's the little stuff that adds up to everything. The majority of our life is all this little stuff added up. Of course there are watershed moments we remember, but it's the little things that actually are everything.

Engines and Anchors

Phil talked about how being around people who are thriving or working toward thriving, or who are driven, normalizes the idea of growth and challenge. When you're around people taking risks and putting themselves out there, it makes that feel like just what you do. He referenced a concept he read years ago and mentions in his book, engines and anchors in our life.

And we're anchors to people too, sometimes. It's a really good reflection point to ask who are the anchors in my life, and who are the engines that are inspiring me. And then who am I an engine for, and who am I an anchor for? It's very humbling.

Phil's Challenge to You

Phil left listeners with this challenge: make a list of your Er's. Think about what are the small moments, the small things you can do. How can you wiggle your toes and make small moments happen so that you can flourish and be happy? It's within your control.

What are your Er's, and where could you sneak in a little more of them this week?